Comedy Worldwide, Funny Jokes

jokes jokes jokes

Chicken Jokes
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side!
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens hadn’t evolved yet
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the light turned green
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide
What do you get if you cross a chicken and a poodle?
Pooched eggs
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud, and then cross the road again?
Because he was a dirty double-crosser
Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because he was a chicken
Why did the fox cross the road?
To look for the chicken
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster
Knock-knock Jokes
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Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Beets
Beets who?
Beets me
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Justin
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Sarah
Sarah who?
Sarah reason you’re not opening the door?
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Juno
Juno who
Juno I’m out here right?
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Canoe
Canoe who?
Canoe come out and play?
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Cows
Cows who?
Cows go “moo” not “who”!
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Woo
Woo who?
No need to get upset, it’s just a joke
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Steve Evans
Steve Evans who?
You’ve forgotten me already?
Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Isabelle
Isabelle who?
Isabelle necessary on a bicycle
Blonde Jokes
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Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side
What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair?
Artificial Intelligence
How can you tell if a blonde’s been using the computer?
There’s white-out on the screen
How did the blonde break her leg raking trees?
She fell out of the tree
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
Knock on the door
How does a blonde spell “farm”?
E-I-E-I-O
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Why don’t blondes make ice-cubes?
They can’t remember the recipe
Why did the blonde ask for some burned-out light bulbs?
She needed them for her darkroom
Why did the blonde throw breadcrumbs in the toilet?
To feed the toilet duck
Yo Mama Jokes
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Yo mama is so fat that when she sings, it’s over for everybody!
Yo mama is so fat that she uses two buses for roller-blades!
Yo mama is so fat that when she takes a shower, her feet don’t get wet!
Yo mama is so ugly that her shadow ran away from her!
Yo mama is so ugly that she tried to take a bath and the water jumped out!
Yo mama is so ugly that if she was a scarecrow, the corn would run away!
Yo mama is so ugly that she made an onion cry!
Yo mama is so old that that when she was in school there was no history class!
Yo mama is so old that the candles cost more than her birthday cake!
Yo mama is so old her social security number is 1!
Doctor, Doctor Jokes
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“Doctor, Doctor, can I have a second opinion?”
“Sure, come back tomorrow”
“Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards”
“I’ll deal with you later”
“Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pog”
“How long have you been feeling like this?”
“Oh, about a weeeeeeeeeek”
“Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a spoon”
“Sit there and don’t stir”
“Doctor, Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears”
“Don’t answer!”
“Doctor, Doctor, I think I need glasses”
“You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop”
“Doctor, Doctor, I’m boiling up”
“Just simmer down”
“Doctor, Doctor, I snore so loud I keep myself awake”
“Then sleep in another room!”
“Doctor, Doctor, I think can’t get to sleep”
“Sit on the edge of the bed and you’ll soon drop off”
“Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me”
“Next please!”

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Comedy Worldwide, Funny Jokes
1.  A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

2.  ”I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.”

3.  ”Dyslexic man walks into a bra”

4.  A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!”

5.  A classic Tommy Cooper gag ”I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays”, was fifth.

6.  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

7.  Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married.  The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.

8.  Another one was:  Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked.  ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.

9. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

10.  A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ”Pint please, and one for the road.”

11.  I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite.

12.  My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

13.  I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ”He’s trying to pull a fast one”.

14.  A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

15.  There’s two fish in a tank, and one says ”How do you drive this thing?”

16.  I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

17.  When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ”I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband”.

18.  ”My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”

19.   I rang up British Telecom, I said, ”I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said ”Not you again”.

20.   I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

21.   A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ”I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything”

22.  Slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace.

23.  A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ”Is this some kind of joke?”

24.  A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here”

25.  The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ”Did you get my drift?”.

26.   I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

27.  Went to the paper shop – it had blown away.

28.  A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ”But why?” they asked, as they moved off. ”because,” he said ”I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

29.   I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ”Are you two an item?”

30.   I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite……… one jar.

31.  So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ”Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said, ”Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”.

32.  Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ”Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here”

33.  I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

34.  There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

35.  I went down the local supermarket, I said, ”I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said, “Those are pickled onions”.

36.  I backed a horse last week at ten to one.  It came in at quarter past four.

37.   I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ”may contain nuts.” Well, YES! That’s what I bought the buggers for! You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!”

38.   A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster

39.  My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife’ll look at me and go, ”Who’s that calling at this time?’ ”I don’t know! If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone!”

40.  I said to this train driver ”I want to go to Paris”. He said ”Eurostar?” I said, ”I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”.

41.   Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

42.  I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel.

43.  You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter.

44.  A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

45.   I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

46.   I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

47.   So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

48.   Went to the corner shop – bought 4 corners.

49.  A seal walks into a club…

50.   I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, ‘Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu’. So I went  –  and I got it.

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Funny Jokes

Best Jokes ever

Marriage joke
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?” The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?” A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?” He says: “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?” Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?” He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?” The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says. “Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls. Wife says: “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.” “Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband. “What do I look like,” she says, “Betty Crocker?”

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Comedy Worldwide, Funny Jokes

Jokes

After two weeks in Dubai, Akpors came back to Naija with the American slang/accent. He flew in late and while on his way home was stopped by a men of the Nigeria Police Force.”Hey, where u dey go?””Wat de f*ck do u mean, Yo talking tu me?”replied Akpors This incited anger in these men who understands nothing but the Naija street language (Pidgin). He was taking to the police station and put in a cell. There in the cell, Akpors kept on ranting and shouting,”Yo bunch of shits, I gat the damn right to make a phone call in this cell. Get me a f*cking fone!!”This went on until a BOSS (Oga) in the cell told one of his boys in his husky and thunderous voice,”Scorpion, abeg give this guy a phone call”Scorpion headed straight to Akpors corner and landed him a THUNDEROUS SLAP”GBOOOOAAAAAAA”. The sound was nothing far from the sound of a Thunder strike.”E done dey ring, abi make I redial?”Akpors accent changed,”Bros abeg, e don connect”

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.. .”You all have obsessions ,”he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said,”You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”He turned to the second Mom, Ann:”Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”He turns to the third Mom, Joyce:”Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers.”Come on, Joystick, we’ re leaving!”

A man and his wife had four kidz, a Declaration was made that any couple with five children will recieve a reward of 20million from the government. The man told his wife not worry as he was going to bring his daughter from his Girlfriend to complete the other four kidz. He came back with his girls child n discovered that it was one, one child that was left in his house, when he asked the wife what happened to the other three, she said”their father came and pick them aswell, the man fainted…… ……. …….A young boy met a very rich business man and asked him”sir, what is the secret of your success?” and he replied, “boy, you have to use your number 6 in 6 ways”. The boy was so surprised and asked him “sir, how in 6ways?” he further replied “I only do business 6 times in a year,
1. I sell bags of rice during d xmas season,
2. I sell children clothes duringchildren’s day celebration,
3. I sell poultry during the easter celebration period,
4. I sell condoms on valetine day,
5. I sell indian hemp on Bob marley’s rememberance day. So, you see why i am successful?” the boy asked “sir, you did not tell me the 6th” he then smiled and said ”
6. I go on VACATION” the boy asked”VACATION? To where?” The man replied ” yes I normally on vacation go to jail”. cheesy

An igboman fell into a well,screaming for help,the wife came with a rope to help,He look at the rope and said”how much did the rope cost?”the wife said 1000 naira”stil l inside the well the man shouted”WHAT!!!!!Return it now !!,go to Papa Emeka at the 4th avenue,he sells it for 300 naira,HURRY…pls oº°˚˚˚°º b4 die ï patapata here oº°˚˚˚°

A professor Explains Advance Marketing theory to his MBA students 1) When you see a rich girl in a party and you walk to her and say am rich marry me, that’s Direct marketing 2) You attend. Party and your friend goes to a girl and point @ you saying he is very rich marry him..that’s Advertisement 3) @ a party and a girl walk to you and said you are rich and handsome will you marry me? That’s is Brand recognition… 4) You see a girl @ a party and you walk up to her and say am rich and have a big…. And she slaps you, that’s customer feed back. 5) But when you go the party and find a girl on her own, trying to do notice me and none seem to 3 things will deffinately run through your mind (a) Bad market (B) xpired goods (c)…………..

 

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Funny Jokes, Must Know

You must Laugh!

A pastor and a church
sister were Being
Intimate
under a tree,not
knowing,a smoker was
up
on the tree hiding &
smoking. After the act,
the sister asked the
pastor, did u use
condom?
Pastor: no!!!! why?
Girl: supposing i get
pregnant who will take
care of the baby?
The pastor replied,“let’s
leave it to the one
above. Suddenly the
smoker jumped down
and shouted,U DEY
CRAZE? LEAVE WETIN 4
WHO?
NA ME bleep AM?

 

An old farmer wrote 2
his son in prison.
Dis year I wont b able 2 plant
potatoes cos I can’t dig the field,
I knw if u wer here u
would help me.
D son wrote back, Dad,
dont even think of diggin d field
cos dat’s where I buried d money
I stole.
The Police read d letter & d next
day d
whole field was dug by
police lookin 4 d money but
nothin
was found.
D following day the son wrote
again,
Now plant ur potatoes,
Dad..It’s the best I can do frm
here…!

 

A naija lady dat married
a chinese guy were
lucky 2 have a baby girl
after 9months of
marriage.
But after 3months d baby died
and the mother of the
nigerian lady came to
visit them,
but she was just shouting;
i knew it! i knew it!
i knew it! I knew it!
I knew it! I knew it!, And so on.
And then a man that
noticed her shouting, now
called her outside and
asked her wat she
knew and she replied; i
knew that china
product does not last!!! Nawa
oo!!!

 

 

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Funny Jokes, Must Know

Naija Laugh

JAMES: I saw a strap of your bra..
TEACHER: James Getout!,no class for u 4
a week!.
*Another Boy laughs*
TEACHER: Why did u laugh??
BOY : i saw both straps of d bra
TEACHER: GETOUT, no class 4 u for
1 month!..
*Teacher bends down 2 pick
chalk & johnny started walking
out..*
TEACHER: Johnny, why are you
going out?
JOHNNY : what i saw just now, I
think my school days are
over!!!!!… LMAO!!!

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Comedy Worldwide, Funny Jokes, Naija Comedy World

Laugh!

A wife suspected her husband
for having sex with their maid,
so she set a trap for the husband
by sending the maid to village
for weekend without telling her
husband. At night, the husband
told his usual story ‘darling, i
want to go and watch wrestling
match in the sitting room.’ he
left. the wife silently went to the
maid’s room lying on the bed
naked with no light, he opened
the door, joined her on the bed
without wasting time and
without a word, he had sex with
her, after the fifth round she
said ‘it is enough, i catch you, so
this is how you used to have sex
with her, you will do two rounds
telling me you are tired. five
rounds now, you are still
demanding for more.
The gateman replied. “‘sorry
madam, i don’t know you are the
one. LMAO!

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